No One Wins The Super Bowl In August

Welcome, everyone, to the first official crisis of the 2006 Redskins season. The city is in a panic. Outscored 87-17 in three exhibition games. The first-string offense has failed to produce a single point. The defense has been shelled by no-name running backs and mediocre tight ends. The special teams gives up big play after big play without creating any of their own. Season’s over, right?

It doesn’t seem to matter that the Redskins have a 0-0 record and their first game is still 12 days away. Let’s have everyone take a deep breath. This is preseason. These games don’t count. By the end of September, no one will remember anything from the month of August. Besides, what are we talking about here? We’re talking about practice, man. I mean, how silly is that? We’re talking about practice.

Allen Iverson not withstanding, I’ll be the first to admit the Redskins look awful. Getting lit up by the Jets’ non-existent running game wasn’t good. Getting stomped by a second-place caliber New England team for an entire half was worse. But the Redskins are showing absolutely nothing offensively or defensively. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

The real cause for concern is the special teams. The difference between special teams performance in the preseason and special teams performance in the regular season is minimal. That’s why the so-called “third phase” has to be the emphasis right now in practice during the week. The return game has been almost invisible. I like Mike Espy, but someone’s got to block for the kid. The kickoff unit can’t seem to make tackles and there have been several big returns against them. John Hall and Derrick Frost are just plain awful. I have no faith in Hall right now to kick any field goal over 35 yards. And on kickoffs, which he probably won’t be doing, he can’t kick the ball past the opponent’s 10-yard line. The Cardinals just released former Redskin Nick Novak. Let’s resign him. He filled in nicely for the Skins and the Cards last year when Hall and Neil Rackers went down with injuries.

Frost is an even bigger worry. He’s flat out dreadful. His poor punting cost Washington a couple of games last season because of the beneficial field position he gave up (namely, the games against Oakland and San Diego, and the playoff game against Seattle). He should be cut immediately. There are hundreds of punters out there and any one of them should be given a look over Frost. The Steelers currently have a fierce competition between veteran Chris Gardocki and rookie Mike Barr. Barr has done exceptionally well in preseason so far. If he’s cut, pick him up. If the Steelers cut Gardocki, by all means, pick him up. It’s a win-win for the Redskins. It can’t possibly get any worse. If Hall and Frost are kept, they will cost the Redskins at least two games this season, if not more. Just remember how many games the Cowboys have blown the last few seasons because they haven’t had capable kickers or punters.

The offense and defense have struggled, but there’s really nothing to worry about. Offensively, the Redskins are missing Clinton Portis. The offense revolves around him. T.J. Duckett and Ladell Betts are nice replacements, but they aren’t the same. Portis should be ready for opening day and that addition will instantly improve the offense. As expected, Al Saunders isn’t showing 90% of his playbook during the preseason. The Redskins haven’t sent a single man in motion the entire preseason. There have been no pulling linemen, no counter treys, no wide receiver screens (a Santana Moss staple), very few draw plays and reverses and little use of play-action. The playbook being used is very predictable and it’s as vanilla as Orange County.

Also, the Redskins are running a blocking scheme that they would never run during the regular season. I picked up on it during the Cincinnati game, and broadcaster/Super Bowl hero John Riggins mentioned it briefly a couple of weeks later. On the majority of plays the Redskins are leaving all five of their linemen in isolation. That basically means that the Redskins are forcing all their linemen to go one-on-one with the defensive player lined up over them. They are receiving no help from each other, tight ends or running backs in their blocks. Why would they do that? Because these games don’t matter and Al Saunders, Joe Bugel and the rest of the staff are basically putting their linemen in tough situations because preseason is glorified practice. The problem is, when you have five guys going one-on-one, the chances are good that at least one of the five offensive linemen, on any given play, will fail in their block. Even if four guys succeed, it only takes one loss on the line to ruin a play. And that’s what’s happening during the games. There is no way that this blocking scheme will be used in the regular season, as you can be assured that there will be plenty of help blocking from the tight ends and backs.

There’s a little more cause for concern on the defensive side. Again, injuries are hampering the first unit. Shawn Springs, who may miss the first game of the regular season but nothing more, has been out for the past two weeks. Four of the six defensive linemen in Greg Williams’ rotation are hurt. Phillip Daniels and Cornelius Griffin aren’t playing and Reynaldo Wynn is playing at only about 75% capacity due to injury. All three should be healthy by September 11th, and the lack of Daniels and Griffin are the primary reasons the opponents run game is doing so well. Their absence also affects the pass rush. As does the lack of blitzing. Williams, like Saunders, is playing close to the vest. The Redskins blitzed Tom Brady and New England exactly three times in over a half of football. Chances are, during the regular season, the Redskins would blitz three times on the opening drive. If you rush four guys at Brady and give him all day, he’s going to pick the middle of the field apart. Which he did with Ben Watson (odds are, that’s the best Watson is going to look all year). Still, even with the lack of a blitz and a pass rush, the safties must do a better job over the middle. Sean Taylor is an animal, and is arguably the best hitter in the game, but he needs to work on pass coverage in man-to-man situations. Same goes for Adam Archuleta.

Historically, the worse the Redskins look in the preseason, the better they are in the regular season. The Skins won Super Bowl XVII after going winless in the preseason. Joe Gibbs’ team looked terrible in August 1991, going 1-3 and looking real bad doing it, but won Super Bowl XXVI (just one of the many similarities I see between that team and this year’s squad…but more on that at a later date). In 2002, the Redskins went 4-1 under Steve Spurrier including several blowout wins, only to go 7-9 during the regular season with several blowout losses. So preseason means virtually nothing. Washington still has one game left with the Ravens, who have also looked bad this preseason. Maybe the Skins will put on a decent showing in that one. And if they don't, it's still no big deal anyway. If the Skins get their special teams issues sorted out, and get everyone back from their nagging injuries, then they should be ready to go against the Vikings in week one.

Get These Motherfucking Snakes Out Of My Motherfucking Blog: What Happened To Me In Summer 2006

I’m back minions. I know most of you are probably saying: "Where did you go" and "Can we send him back there". So, I guess I have to apologize to the 25 people who consistently read this monstrosity for not updating at all during the summer. There were two very good reasons. One, there isn’t much to predict over the summer, which would make any post here pretty useless. I don’t count major league baseball as a sport until certain teams stop spending the GNP of small countries on their roster while other teams can only spend the loose change they find in the stands after a game on theirs. So I don’t predict or talk much about MLB. The second reason is that I was broadcasting baseball in New England this summer and I was extremely busy. I had no intention of boarding a bus for four hours to broadcast a game for another three and then get back on the bus to go back to my temporary home, only to churn out pointless babble on random sports information at 2 in the morning. Just wasn’t going to happen. I’m back home now and back to the boring job, so I have plenty of time to get back to work on this thing for my second season.

As I said I was in New England broadcasting baseball. More specifically, in North Adams, Massachusetts broadcasting games for the North Adams SteepleCats, a team in a college wooden bat league. It’s the same thing as Cape Cod League baseball. The players are supposed to be the best college players in the country, yet many games resembled my days on the little league diamond. The only good thing about doing the games were the other broadcasters in the league...most of whom were good dudes. Getting paid was also nice.

The town of North Adams is in Northwest Massachusetts. For those unfamiliar with geography, Western Massachusetts is located right next to East Buttfuck and South Hicksville. The closest city to North Adams is Albany, which is an hour away, and in my opinion hardly qualifies as a real city. Both New York and Boston are three hour trips.

The town itself is really pretty as it’s situated in the Berkshire Mountains. However, there is absolutely nothing to do. And aside from the host family’s daughters I stayed with last year, no one in the town ever goes out anywhere. Even to the crappy, dumpy bar that serves $1 beer on Friday nights. The entire town is inhabited by hermits and frightening inbred rednecks. Worse off, this is technically a college town since the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts is located in North Adams (I'm sure MCLA has a very strenuous course load. I wonder if it is tough taking golf course managment and hairdressing 101 at the same time). And even the college kids don’t go out on the weekend. What the hell? It was like bizzaro world. And don’t get me started with some of the shady townies and volunteers I had to work with at these baseball games. Or some of the fans that sat relatively close to the press box. Yikes…like a freaking leper colony up there. So in conclusion, if you can avoid North Adams, Massachusetts…heck, the entire Western Massachusetts area…please do. You are not missing anyone or anything by not going there.

This next paragraph is a bit of a scary and embarrassing revelation for me. I used to hate the New York Yankees and their fans with an unrivaled passion. More than the Cowboys. More than the Eagles. Even more than Duke. But spending two summers in New England have shown me fans even more disgusting and abhorrent than New York fans…Boston fans. I have no problem with the Red Sox as a team, but their fan base is TERRIBLE. They care more about the Yankees losing than they do the Red Sox winning. What kind of fan base is this? How is that showing support for your team? And like New York fans, they are all so arrogant. But why? Their team has won exactly one World Series in 88 years. That’s not a great ratio. Say what you will about Yankee fans, and I say a lot of bad stuff about them, but at least they have a reason to be arrogant. And the Sox fans self-importance carries over to other sports. I actually was drawn in to several conversations on how the Patriots from the past four years were the best NFL teams of all-time. Really? If the Patriots went up against the 70’s Steelers, 70’s Dolphins, 80’s 49ers, 80’s Redskins, 90’s Cowboys or even the late 90’s Broncos, they would be destroyed. Not just destroyed, but absolutely crushed in every phase of the game. Bill Belichick is not even close to the top ten of all-time NFL coaches (Gibbs, Landry, Lombardi, Walsh, Shula, Madden, Parcells, Noll just to name a few). So his teams won Super Bowls in a watered-down NFL. That doesn’t impress me. Tom Brady is not in the top ten all-time of quarterbacks. Not even remotely close (I would still take Peyton Manning over him right now). And I swear, if one more person talks about Tedy Bruschi being anything other than a mediocre linebacker, I’m going to go back up to New England and lay out the first Patriots fan I see. These Boston fans are so obnoxious, that I actually found myself rooting for the Yankees in their recent five game series over the Red Sox. I can’t believe I just wrote that, but it’s true. Now I’m going to need a cold shower.

So other than hating Red Sox fans and going to empty bars and restaurants, what did I do with my free time this summer. I saw a lot of movies since the cost of living in Hicktown was pretty low. So since I really have no important sports insight right now (no, I’m not worried about how bad the Redskins look in the preseason because, well, um…because it’s PRESEASON), here’s a Predictor summer movie grading guide in case you missed anything.

X-Men III
Grade: A-
Terrific movie…and I’m not even a big X-men fan. I didn’t really like the first two movies. But the special effects were great in this one. There was almost non-stop action and a lot of ass-kicking. Plenty of hot actresses, from the underrated Famke Janssen to everyone’s favorite Halle Berry to indie-star Anna Paquin. Hugh Jackman was pretty good as well. They also killed off Cyclops pretty early, which was good because the actor who played him was terrible. Overall great flick.

Superman
Grade: D
The second worst movie I saw all summer. Way too long and somehow, despite being gorgeous, the director and crew made Kate Bosworth look terrible in this movie. Plus, I’m a Batman guy. Don’t waste your time on this movie.

Click
Grade: C+
Not one of Adam Sandler’s best, but not as bad as it seemed in the trailer. Sandler had some good lines and Christopher Walken was hilarious as always. Kate Beckinsale looked good as usual. But the movie was too predictable (I think I nailed the exact ending midway through) and Sandler’s movies aren't that funny unless Shooter McGavin is somehow involved.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Grade: A
I loved the first movie and I loved the second. Most people complained that the second movie wasn’t as action-packed as the first and that the plot wasn’t as good. And a lot of people were pissed with the ending. You have to keep in mind that this was the first of a two-part movie. The ending comes out next year in Pirates III. Depp was as good in this one as he was in the first, and of course, he carried the movie. Keira Knightly didn’t ruin things by being completely anorexic and Orlando Bloom was kept out of the majority of the movie, which helped. He’s only needed for the fight scenes and then he can take his no talent ass elsewhere. Captain Barbossa (Geoffery Rush) will return for the third movie, as he and Depp worked well together in the first, so the third installment should be even better.

Lady In The Water
Grade: B+
If you ignore The Village, M. Night is batting 1.000. Great director who always cranks out interesting and unpredictable movies does it again here.

You, Me and Dupree
Grade: D+
I was really disappointed here. Owen Wilson I like. Kate Hudson I like. This movie was flat out terrible. Owen Wilson was not funny, Kate Hudson was not attractive (which sounds impossible, but somehow happened) and Matt Dillon ruined the movie. I couldn’t wait to get out of the theater.

Miami Vice
Grade: F
Worst movie by far this summer. I never like Colin Farrell. So that’s was one strike right there. I can’t believe Jamie Foxx would sell out like this after doing Ray and Collateral. He was a stiff in this one. That was strike two. There wasn’t a lot of action in this movie…which is odd for an action flick. Strike three. I could keep going but I don’t think I need to. Do yourself a favor, if you’re thinking about seeing this film go rent Bad Boys or Bad Boys II instead.

Pulse
Grade: C
Nothing special, not terrible. It wasn’t very scary but it held my interest throughout. Mediocre all around.

Talladega Nights
Grade: B
It wasn’t as funny as Anchorman or Old School, but it delivered some good laughs. Will Ferrell is always good for some hilarious scenes, and ripping NASCAR is a great idea in my book. I just kept trying to compare it to Anchorman and it never reached that level.

Snakes On A Plane
Grade: B+
Samuel L. Jackson + Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane = Motherfucking good movie
Seriously, you have to go in expecting very little. If you do, you can’t possibly be letdown. How can you not like a movie with Samuel L. Jackson killing snakes?

NFL season is coming up. Team previews and preseason predictions coming up even sooner. Season 2.0 starts shortly. See you motherfuckers later.