Get These Motherfucking Snakes Out Of My Motherfucking Blog: What Happened To Me In Summer 2006

I’m back minions. I know most of you are probably saying: "Where did you go" and "Can we send him back there". So, I guess I have to apologize to the 25 people who consistently read this monstrosity for not updating at all during the summer. There were two very good reasons. One, there isn’t much to predict over the summer, which would make any post here pretty useless. I don’t count major league baseball as a sport until certain teams stop spending the GNP of small countries on their roster while other teams can only spend the loose change they find in the stands after a game on theirs. So I don’t predict or talk much about MLB. The second reason is that I was broadcasting baseball in New England this summer and I was extremely busy. I had no intention of boarding a bus for four hours to broadcast a game for another three and then get back on the bus to go back to my temporary home, only to churn out pointless babble on random sports information at 2 in the morning. Just wasn’t going to happen. I’m back home now and back to the boring job, so I have plenty of time to get back to work on this thing for my second season.

As I said I was in New England broadcasting baseball. More specifically, in North Adams, Massachusetts broadcasting games for the North Adams SteepleCats, a team in a college wooden bat league. It’s the same thing as Cape Cod League baseball. The players are supposed to be the best college players in the country, yet many games resembled my days on the little league diamond. The only good thing about doing the games were the other broadcasters in the league...most of whom were good dudes. Getting paid was also nice.

The town of North Adams is in Northwest Massachusetts. For those unfamiliar with geography, Western Massachusetts is located right next to East Buttfuck and South Hicksville. The closest city to North Adams is Albany, which is an hour away, and in my opinion hardly qualifies as a real city. Both New York and Boston are three hour trips.

The town itself is really pretty as it’s situated in the Berkshire Mountains. However, there is absolutely nothing to do. And aside from the host family’s daughters I stayed with last year, no one in the town ever goes out anywhere. Even to the crappy, dumpy bar that serves $1 beer on Friday nights. The entire town is inhabited by hermits and frightening inbred rednecks. Worse off, this is technically a college town since the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts is located in North Adams (I'm sure MCLA has a very strenuous course load. I wonder if it is tough taking golf course managment and hairdressing 101 at the same time). And even the college kids don’t go out on the weekend. What the hell? It was like bizzaro world. And don’t get me started with some of the shady townies and volunteers I had to work with at these baseball games. Or some of the fans that sat relatively close to the press box. Yikes…like a freaking leper colony up there. So in conclusion, if you can avoid North Adams, Massachusetts…heck, the entire Western Massachusetts area…please do. You are not missing anyone or anything by not going there.

This next paragraph is a bit of a scary and embarrassing revelation for me. I used to hate the New York Yankees and their fans with an unrivaled passion. More than the Cowboys. More than the Eagles. Even more than Duke. But spending two summers in New England have shown me fans even more disgusting and abhorrent than New York fans…Boston fans. I have no problem with the Red Sox as a team, but their fan base is TERRIBLE. They care more about the Yankees losing than they do the Red Sox winning. What kind of fan base is this? How is that showing support for your team? And like New York fans, they are all so arrogant. But why? Their team has won exactly one World Series in 88 years. That’s not a great ratio. Say what you will about Yankee fans, and I say a lot of bad stuff about them, but at least they have a reason to be arrogant. And the Sox fans self-importance carries over to other sports. I actually was drawn in to several conversations on how the Patriots from the past four years were the best NFL teams of all-time. Really? If the Patriots went up against the 70’s Steelers, 70’s Dolphins, 80’s 49ers, 80’s Redskins, 90’s Cowboys or even the late 90’s Broncos, they would be destroyed. Not just destroyed, but absolutely crushed in every phase of the game. Bill Belichick is not even close to the top ten of all-time NFL coaches (Gibbs, Landry, Lombardi, Walsh, Shula, Madden, Parcells, Noll just to name a few). So his teams won Super Bowls in a watered-down NFL. That doesn’t impress me. Tom Brady is not in the top ten all-time of quarterbacks. Not even remotely close (I would still take Peyton Manning over him right now). And I swear, if one more person talks about Tedy Bruschi being anything other than a mediocre linebacker, I’m going to go back up to New England and lay out the first Patriots fan I see. These Boston fans are so obnoxious, that I actually found myself rooting for the Yankees in their recent five game series over the Red Sox. I can’t believe I just wrote that, but it’s true. Now I’m going to need a cold shower.

So other than hating Red Sox fans and going to empty bars and restaurants, what did I do with my free time this summer. I saw a lot of movies since the cost of living in Hicktown was pretty low. So since I really have no important sports insight right now (no, I’m not worried about how bad the Redskins look in the preseason because, well, um…because it’s PRESEASON), here’s a Predictor summer movie grading guide in case you missed anything.

X-Men III
Grade: A-
Terrific movie…and I’m not even a big X-men fan. I didn’t really like the first two movies. But the special effects were great in this one. There was almost non-stop action and a lot of ass-kicking. Plenty of hot actresses, from the underrated Famke Janssen to everyone’s favorite Halle Berry to indie-star Anna Paquin. Hugh Jackman was pretty good as well. They also killed off Cyclops pretty early, which was good because the actor who played him was terrible. Overall great flick.

Superman
Grade: D
The second worst movie I saw all summer. Way too long and somehow, despite being gorgeous, the director and crew made Kate Bosworth look terrible in this movie. Plus, I’m a Batman guy. Don’t waste your time on this movie.

Click
Grade: C+
Not one of Adam Sandler’s best, but not as bad as it seemed in the trailer. Sandler had some good lines and Christopher Walken was hilarious as always. Kate Beckinsale looked good as usual. But the movie was too predictable (I think I nailed the exact ending midway through) and Sandler’s movies aren't that funny unless Shooter McGavin is somehow involved.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Grade: A
I loved the first movie and I loved the second. Most people complained that the second movie wasn’t as action-packed as the first and that the plot wasn’t as good. And a lot of people were pissed with the ending. You have to keep in mind that this was the first of a two-part movie. The ending comes out next year in Pirates III. Depp was as good in this one as he was in the first, and of course, he carried the movie. Keira Knightly didn’t ruin things by being completely anorexic and Orlando Bloom was kept out of the majority of the movie, which helped. He’s only needed for the fight scenes and then he can take his no talent ass elsewhere. Captain Barbossa (Geoffery Rush) will return for the third movie, as he and Depp worked well together in the first, so the third installment should be even better.

Lady In The Water
Grade: B+
If you ignore The Village, M. Night is batting 1.000. Great director who always cranks out interesting and unpredictable movies does it again here.

You, Me and Dupree
Grade: D+
I was really disappointed here. Owen Wilson I like. Kate Hudson I like. This movie was flat out terrible. Owen Wilson was not funny, Kate Hudson was not attractive (which sounds impossible, but somehow happened) and Matt Dillon ruined the movie. I couldn’t wait to get out of the theater.

Miami Vice
Grade: F
Worst movie by far this summer. I never like Colin Farrell. So that’s was one strike right there. I can’t believe Jamie Foxx would sell out like this after doing Ray and Collateral. He was a stiff in this one. That was strike two. There wasn’t a lot of action in this movie…which is odd for an action flick. Strike three. I could keep going but I don’t think I need to. Do yourself a favor, if you’re thinking about seeing this film go rent Bad Boys or Bad Boys II instead.

Pulse
Grade: C
Nothing special, not terrible. It wasn’t very scary but it held my interest throughout. Mediocre all around.

Talladega Nights
Grade: B
It wasn’t as funny as Anchorman or Old School, but it delivered some good laughs. Will Ferrell is always good for some hilarious scenes, and ripping NASCAR is a great idea in my book. I just kept trying to compare it to Anchorman and it never reached that level.

Snakes On A Plane
Grade: B+
Samuel L. Jackson + Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane = Motherfucking good movie
Seriously, you have to go in expecting very little. If you do, you can’t possibly be letdown. How can you not like a movie with Samuel L. Jackson killing snakes?

NFL season is coming up. Team previews and preseason predictions coming up even sooner. Season 2.0 starts shortly. See you motherfuckers later.