Super Bowl XL: The Game May Be Great, But In Every Way, Detroit Is A Super Bust

Seattle Seahawks (15-3) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (14-5)
6:30 p.m. Ford Field - Detroit, MI
Super Bowl XL

I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t know if I want the keyboard in my hands if there is less than two minutes to go before a game. I don’t think I can handle the pressure. Maybe I’ll stop this blog. Or maybe I’ll just act like a dumb southern drunk redneck hic and parade myself in front of the cameras for months while keeping a once great franchise in limbo.

Man, has it really been three weeks since I last talked about football. I didn’t think the NFL would keep playing with the Redskins out of the playoffs. What’s the point? For some reason, the NFL decided to hold this Super Bowl thing on schedule with a team that everyone is tired of hearing about and another team that no one cares about.

*This just in: Jerome Bettis is believed to be from the Detroit area. We’ll have to double check to make sure. In a related story, 98 percent of the nation doesn't care.*

For some reason, the NFL decided to place their biggest game in one of America’s most embarrassing cities. This marks the second straight season that the NFL has passed over more obvious and pleasant sites, like San Diego or Miami, or large northern cities that aren’t crumbling right before our eyes, like New York or Washington. Last year’s game was in Jacksonville. Now personally, I love Jacksonville. I went down there for the 2004 Gator Bowl when Maryland was in it (remember, once upon a time the Maryland football team was actually good) and I had a blast. Balmy weather, friends everywhere and police that were extremely lax on underage drinking made Jacksonville a Mark the Predictor favorite city. The Gator Bowl is one thing. But a Super Bowl in Jacksonville? I think not. It’s too small. There isn’t enough to do. The Gator Bowl festivities last a few days. The Super Bowl parties last two weeks. Jacksonville Landing and stripclubs with second rate women whoring it up are only interesting for a couple of days. A city that hosts a Super Bowl needs more.

So the NFL, in its infinite wisdom, tries to recover from last year’s mistake. They say forget San Diego. Forget Miami. Let’s hold a Super Bowl in Detroit! All right! Because the first thing I think about when I think Detroit is fun and excitement! What, was Boise already booked? Where is the Super Bowl going to be held next year? Tulsa? Fargo? Saskatoon?

The city is a joke. There are dilapidated buildings everywhere. It has one of the highest murder and crime rates in the country. It has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. It has one of the highest riot per capita ratings in the country (finishing second to College Park, MD…but if the Pistons keep winning, it’s only a matter of time before Detroit moves up). It just so happens that Detroit is usually cold and nasty during the first week of February. Yeah, this city is just screaming Super Bowl. The only decent thing about Motown is that the city of Windsor, Ontario is right across the border. And what happens in Windsor stays in Windsor!

*This just in: Joey Porter went five minutes without talking trash. And Satan’s complaining that it’s getting cold in Hell.*

Detroit apparently is using this weekend to showcase the upcoming renaissance that is about to take hold North of Lake Erie. Unfortunately, that belief is simply a pipe dream. Let’s treat this Super Bowl for what it is: Detroit’s last ditch effort to remain a respectable city before all Hell breaks loose and the city finally falls apart at the seems. But on the bright side, the city of Detroit will finally get to see an NFL game after years of waiting patiently for the league to give them a franchise (Wait, the Lions are still there? Hmmm…I stick by my previous statement.).

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for this urban dump, it gets worse. As we all know by now, at least I hope you do, Jerome Bettis happens to be from Detroit. Earlier this week, he was given the key to the city. A nice gesture to be sure. But not so great when you figure out the person who last received the key to the city. Do you wanna take a guess as to the last person that was given the key to Detroit? No, not Stevie Wonder. No, not Barry Sanders. No, not Larry Brown. Are you ready? Seriously, you aren’t going to believe it. The person who last received Detroit’s key was Saddam Hussein. I’m not making this up. I’m dead serious. Here's the link. He was given the key to the city of Detroit in 1980. The last person that Detroit placed such an honor on was SADDAM FUCKING HUSSEIN. It is so absurd, I don’t even have a joke for this. You want to talk embarrassing, it doesn’t get much worse than that.

Well done Detroit. And well done NFL. By the way, the weather forecast for this weekend calls for a 100% chance of snow in the Motor City. This couldn’t be more of a complete disaster.

*This just in: The Redskins have signed Bill Parcells, Mike Martz and the rights to Vince Lombardi’s ghost.*

I guess I have to talk about the actual game now. I really don’t have a horse in the race. I guess if you were to twist my arm, I'd tell you to stop twisting my arm before the beating begins, then I’d say that I’m rooting for Seattle. I can’t stand Joey Porter. Any player that feels the need to talk that much is clearly compensating for something. In Porter’s case, he is trying to hide his mediocre talent. The Steelers do a great job of concealing his inability in their defensive schemes. Porter knows that he only gets free shots at the quarterback because the opposing team is blocking everybody else. He also gets more opportunities to make plays because the opposition usually runs and throws right at him. So Porter decides to run his mouth because he knows the media is too lazy to actually breakdown game film. As long as he gives them material to air and print, they’ll go with the easy story instead of actually doing some research.

On top of my disdain for Porter, I’m tiring of the non-stop Jerome Bettis coverage. I think most people are as well. I don’t need to see the slo-mo replay of Bettis mouthing “We’re going home” 272 time, no wait, I just saw it again, 273 times in the course of 10 days. I don’t remember Terrell Davis getting this much coverage when he played Super Bowl XXXII in San Diego. And Davis was 10 times the running back in 1998 that Bettis is now in 2006. Go figure. So if Seattle wins, it accomplishes two things. One, it doesn’t give the media the easy headline of Bettis “returning home”. Which means they will actually have to do some work. And secondly, it will shut up Porter once and for all, and maybe he’ll be exposed as the fraud he is.

*This just in: Donovan McNabb and Hugh Douglas get into a verbal brawl (otherwise known as a “pussy fight”) over which one of them should put their foot in their mouth first*

Unfortunately, the matchup seems to favor Pittsburgh. Don’t believe me? Well, I’ll try to break it down position by position to see who has the edge.

Quarterback: Hard to tell who the better quarterback is right now. This is probably one of the more evenly matched positions between the two teams. Big Ben clearly has more potential and has played nearly flawless for the last two months. Bad news for Ben: So has Matt Hasselbeck. The Seahawks victory over the Redskins with Shaun Alexander on the sideline should prove how good Baldy is. Facing of the league’s best defenses, with an offense that had suddenly become one-dimensional, Hasselbeck led his team by converting numerous third downs and nicely managing the game by using audibles and quick routes at the line of scrimmage. So it’s a tough call. I’m going to wuss out here. Edge: Even


Ben Roethlisberger (l) and Matt Hasselbeck will cancel each other out on Sunday.

Running Back: One team has the league MVP who ran for 1,880 yards and set the NFL record for most touchdowns in a season. This team also happens to have a Pro-bowl fullback and a terrific change-of-pace back. The other team has two backs who can’t carry the load by themselves and regularly need breathers. Combined, Willie Parker and Bettis don’t come close to holding Alexander’s jock strap. Edge: Seahawks

Wide Receiver/Tight End: As glaring of an advantage as Seattle has at the running back spot, Pittsburgh has just as big of a lead at the wideouts. Hines Ward and Antwaan Randle-El seem unstoppable right now. I wasn’t that impressed by their performances against Indy and Cincinnati because those two teams have weak secondaries. But their performance against Denver’s zone was much better. Very few wide receivers find the soft spot in zones like the Ward/Randle-El combination (by the way, Randle-El will look even better wearing burgundy and gold next season). Their abilities scare defensive coordinators so much, that Cedrick Wilson is actually passing as an NFL-caliber receiver. And Heath Miller is just a beast. I loved him when he was at Virginia. I was shocked when he fell to the 30th pick in the draft. This kid has All-Pro written all over him. The Seahawks have had a lot of injuries to the wideouts. Even though they are getting healthy for this game, Darrell Jackson and company aren’t going to scare a Pittsburgh defense that has already eliminated Chad Johnson, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Rod Smith and Ashley Lelie. And as much as I would love to see Jerramy Stevens flatten Porter, it just ain’t gonna happen. Edge: Steelers

*This just in: Brett Farve has finally announced his retirement. Wait, did I say he’s announcing his retirement? I meant Brett Farve has announced that he will have a press conference about a press conference where he will announce whether he is retiring or not. I know this isn’t really worth a “this just in”, but the nation must know about Brett Farve, including how many times a day he relieves himself.*

Offensive line: At first glance, this would seem to be a rather large check mark in the Seattle column. And if we were just evaluating the left side of offensive lines, then Seattle would win hands down. It is hard to find a better guard-tackle combination than Steve Hutchinson and Walter Jones. But an offensive line consists of five players. Seattle’s is very very good. But the Hawks have a veteran quarterback and the best pure rusher in the league. You take away Hutchinson, and Seattle is probably still going to be 13-3. Pittsburgh’s offense has been doing it with smoke and mirrors all season. The Steelers have no consistent running back. Yes, the receivers are great, but without Roethlisberger finding them they wouldn’t make much of a difference. And why is Big Ben having such a great second half? Unlike the first half of the season, his offensive line is keeping him upright. It is said that an offensive line doesn’t get stats to show how good they are. But, whenever a team is devoid of offensive “stars” but still manages to pile up solid offensive numbers, it proves to me that the offensive line must be doing a marvelous job. A terrific offensive line can make average position players look good and good position players look great (And it can’t happen the other way around. A bunch of great position players can’t make an average line better than an average line. Look at the Lions. Better yet, don’t look at the Lions, you won’t like what you see). The Steelers have a bunch of good players that are playing great behind a sterling offensive line. Still, I can’t ignore Jones and Hutchinson. Edge: Seahawks…but it’s close


Seattle's immovable left tackle Walter Jones. Could he make the big block to send the Seahawks to their first Super Bowl win?

Defensive front seven: Porter being overrated not withstanding; Pittsburgh still has a killer front seven. Despite Seattle leading the entire league in sacks this season, I still think the Steelers’ defensive line and the pressure they allow their linebackers to get, is going to be the major difference in Super Bowl XL. Seattle’s offensive line hasn’t seen a defensive scheme like this all season. It’s going to be a rude awakening. Edge: Steelers

Secondary: Troy Polamalu. Edge: Steelers


Bill Cowher and his chin yell at Troy Polamalu. All you need to know is that Polamalu hits hard and has really long hair. That's all the media is going to tell you about him.

Special teams: The Seahawks kicking and punting games are much better than Pittsburgh’s. If the game comes down to a field goal contest, I’d much rather have Josh Brown from 45 yards away than Jeff Reed from 35 yards away. The Steelers must avoid getting into a kicking contest. However, Pittsburgh’s coverage teams, and their return teams are infinitely better than Seattle’s. The University of Pittsburgh’s coverage teams and return teams are infinitely better than Seattle’s (see vs. Washington Redskins, 1/14/06). Along with the advantage with the defensive front seven, the Steelers special teams units are going to make a key play or two to win this ballgame. Edge: Steelers

Coaches: Bill Cowher has been much more consistent than Mike Holmgren. That much is obvious. But Holmgren has the one thing that Cowher does not. A Super Bowl ring. Plus, this will be Holmgren’s third Super Bowl trip compared to Cowher’s second. Bill’s teams are 2-4 in AFC Championship games and 0-1 in Super Bowls. Not a great track record. In fact, it’s starting to look like ultimate choker Dan Reeves’ postseason resume. Until Cowher wins the big one, he will be a choke artist. It’s that simple. And I don’t like saying that because I really like Cowher. Overall, Cowher’s supporting staff is better than Holmgren’s. So that will help a bit. By the way, I think we can get rid of the theory that Holmgren is an average coach without Brett Farve. I think we had that theory backwards all along. Farve can’t win without Holmgren. Farve has won one Super Bowl. Sure that’s impressive. But Jim McMahon, Mark Rypien and Trent Dilfer have also won Super Bowls. Holmgren has a chance to be the only coach in the history of the NFL to win a Super Bowl with two different teams. So enough with that. Now where was I…oh yes, the coaches. Holmgren’s playcalling will keep the Seahawks in a game that they would probably lose by double-digits otherwise. Edge: Seahawks, but again, only slightly

*This just in: The Ravens, despite preseason predictions that just about gave them the automatic AFC bid to the Big Game, are not in the Super Bowl. Brian Billick will surely be fired as a result. No…he won’t? You sure? Well, then they’re certainly getting rid of Kyle Boller. No, they’re not doing that either? ‘Cause otherwise, they’re going 5-11 next season. And we all know Baltimore fans are fair weather. Remember what happened last time a Baltimore team went through a short stretch of losing…that team is now called the Indianapolis Colts. Los Angeles get ready!*

So there’s the breakdown. Pittsburgh is better on defense and special teams. It does appear that Seattle is better offensively. There is one other thing that the Seahawks have over Pittsburgh. While the Steelers want to win this game for Bettis and are determined to represent themselves, the Seahawks have dedicated themselves to representing the entire Pacific Northwest. They are fighting for recognition for an otherwise forgotten part of the country. The Seahawks want to win this game for their fans. What a novel idea! The Steelers don't care about their fans, they just want to win for themselves. Just listen to the way the two teams talked this week. I like a team that is carrying an entire region, not just a small sliver of Pennsylvania and boondocks West Virginia, on their backs. However, the Steelers are able to neutralize that advantage in this way: the Steelers act like they belong in the Super Bowl. The Seahawks have been seen all week with digital cameras and camcorders. They look like they’re on vacation. The Steelers came to Motown with a purpose.

So now to the pick. I’ve had my struggles at times this season. Those struggles have been worsened recently with my inability to pick the wild ACC basketball scene. Still, on the year, my prediction record for the NFL is 170-83, including a 5-3 record in the playoffs. That’s better than most. But furthermore, I’m unstoppable when it comes to predicting NCAA champions and Super Bowl winners. I’ve correctly picked the NCAA basketball champion the last six years before the tournament even began (That includes being the only one in my pool to have Syracuse winning in 2003. I’ll get back to this in March). I have also correctly predicted each of the last eight Super Bowls. That includes the Broncos’ upset over Green Bay. That includes the Patriots upset over St. Louis. The last Super Bowl I got wrong was Super Bowl XXXI (how was I supposed to know that Desmond Howard would pick that exact day to have the only decent game of his career). So I have a reputation to uphold. The Las Vegas line is four, which means that Vegas thinks Pittsburgh will win, but they aren’t sure. Whenever you have a line of four or less, I tend to bet against the popular pick. However, the Steelers are so overwhelmingly the popular pick, that even I can’t go against the grain. But here was the clincher for me. As I said, my playoff record this season is 5-3. My three losses you ask? I had Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Denver all winning their game against the Steelers. It took me a month to learn my lesson. In the case of Porter and his thug teammates, I hope I’m wrong. It just seems to me that Cowher will finally get his well-deserved championship. So for his sake, I hope I’m right.

Pick: Steelers 27, Seahawks 23