Redskins 2006 Schedule Preview...And Review

The second post in a several-part series examining the Redskins offseason.

I know I haven’t been updating this thing regularly. I probably won’t resume more than three or four posts a month until September. Today we’ll take a quick look at how the Redskins schedule plays out. Why even watch the season when you have me to tell you what' s going to happen? Of course, as is the case every season, there will be at least two teams that play better than expected and at least two teams that will play worse than expected. And as always, as my preview suggests, a lot also depends on injuries.

Mon., September 11th – vs. Minnesota
For whatever reason, the NFL decided to give the Redskins only two primetime games all season. And the games are on back-to-back weeks in September. I thought the league would give more exposure, especially late in the year, to the eventual NFC Champion. But I guess not. It will also be the debut of ESPN’s Monday night broadcast. That means we get to listen to Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser…which is good. We’ll also be forced to listen to the ever-widening Chris Berman…which is bad. During the pregame, Berman, with scriptwriters Pete Prisco and Peter King by his side, says the 2005 Redskins were flukes and would be lucky to win five games all season. In fact, Prisco has the Redskins rated 31st out of 32 teams in his power rankings. For the game itself, the Redskins get to ease their way into 2006 with a home game against a Vikings team that has virtually no offensive weapons, no defensive continuity and a rookie coaching staff. Unless Minnesota is getting three extra points for every hooker my boy Freddy Smoot t-bagged on the sex boat, I’d say I like the Skins chances in this one.

Sun., September 17th – at Dallas
For the second straight season, the Redskins travel to Dallas for a night game in Week 2. It will be Terrible Owens first home game in Irving, and with Al Michaels and John Madden on the call, it will be an all-out Owens media blitz. The Skins will play gamely as Dallas will be distracted, but I don’t see the Boys losing two straight at home to Washington.

Sun., September 24th – at Houston
Who made this schedule? NASA? George W. Bush? Will the Skins have to play at Permian next week? If you’re counting, at this point in the season, the Skins will have played two games in Texas compared to only one game in D.C. (technically Landover, but you get the idea). Fortunately, the Texans will seem like the Permian Mojo to the Redskins after a tough loss in Dallas. Clinton Portis runs for 150 as the Skins find and attack Mario Williams all day long. Mario, meet Jon Jansen. You’re not in Raleigh anymore.

Sun., October 1st – vs. Jacksonville
With Jimmy Smith retired, Byron Leftwich getting hurt during week 1, and Fred Taylor injuring himself while eating a sandwich in mid-July, the Jags will be completely unable to move the ball against the Skins. However, Mark Brunell will have a terrible game against his former team’s swarming defense. So it won’t be an easy home victory. Carlos Rogers will score the game’s lone touchdown on an interception return as the Skins win a slobber knocker, 13-6.

Sun., October 8th – at N.Y. Giants
Anyone else see the Giants collapsing this season? Really…just me then? Manning will regress, Tiki had his last decent season in 2005, and the Giants o-line will give up trying to block in late September. The lone bright spot in this game for the Giants will be the play of Lavar Arrington. Lavar will have 9 tackles by halftime. Midway through the third quarter, after pining the Skins inside their five, Lavar will take out Brunell in the endzone for a safety. Unfortunately, Lavar is so amped up playing against his former team, he celebrates the safety by head-butting the Giants Stadium wall, ending his season. Brunell rallies the troops late for a win. Back at ESPN studios, Chris Berman blames Gus Frerotte for Arrington’s injury and demands the entire Redskins team be suspended.

Sun., October 15th – vs. Tennessee
The Redskins tour of bad draft choices continues. After disposing of Mario Williams in week 3, the Skins get to embarrass Vince Young for their fourth straight win. Too bad the Redskins can’t make a clean sweep by leveling Vernon Davis and the 49ers. Prisco reluctantly moves the Redskins up one spot to 30th on his lastest power rankings.

Sun, October 22nd – at Indianapolis
Joe Gibbs skips this one to attend the weekend’s NASCAR race and the Redskins decide to take their bye week one week early. Peyton Manning, who will look mortal throughout the season without a consistent running game, goes off.

Sun., November 5th – vs. Dallas
Like last season, it will take the Redskins two months to get a home division game. Like last season, it will be against a team that employs Owens. And like last season, the Redskins will benefit from an Owens-[insert quarterback/coach/reporter here] blowup during the week. The Skins cruise as Owens refuses to play the second half and Chris Cooley reprises his 2005 performance with three more touchdowns against the Cowboys.

Sun., November 12th – at Philadelphia
Minus the speed of Lavar, the linebackers stand around helpless as Donovan McNabb runs for his usual 100 yards against the Redskins. The problem for Philadelphia? The rest of the team totals 15 yards of total offense. In typical Redskins fashion, Washington will try to hand the game to the Eagles anyway, only to have it returned to them as McNabb throws his fourth pick of the game in the waning minutes.

Sun., November 19th – at Tampa Bay
With the Redskins leading 20-14 late in the fourth, Chris Simms finds Cadillac Williams on a 55-yard screen pass to tie the game up. Out of habit, Jon Gruden goes for two despite only needing the extra-point to take the lead. Instead of Mike Alstott, Gruden elects to give the ball to Michael Pittman up the middle. No one is sure if Pittman scores, but the refs give Tampa the conversion anyway. Sean Taylor, fresh out of jail and making his season debut, spits in Pittman’s face. Back at the ESPN studios, Chris Berman has a heart attack.

Sun. November 26th – vs. Carolina
After playing three of their last four, and six of their last nine on the road, the schedule finally benefits the Skins. Carolina will be the first of three consecutive home games. To raise moral after the disheartening loss to Tampa, Portis dresses up as “Sheriff Playa Hater” during the week. The costume consists of a clown wig, a trademark Hogette pig-snout, a pair of aviator shades and a set of false teeth. The move backfires as Portis wears the getup to FedEx on gameday and is promptly arrested by the famously moody and unpredictable security guards and sent to a jail in Southeast. He finally finds his old friend Southeast Jerome waiting for him as Ladell Betts is forced to start in his place. Jake Delhomme has his best game of the year while Brunell has his worst. The D.C. area desends into the usual “OH MY GOD, WE’VE LOST TWO IN A ROW AND THE SKY IS FALLING” Monday Panic Mode. Prisco drops the Redskins to 35th in the power rankings, behind 30 NFL teams, the Toronto Argonauts, Berlin Thunder, New York Yankees and University of Oklahoma. Quizzically, the Redskins still rank ahead of the 49ers.

Sun., December 3rd – vs. Atlanta
The Michael Vick Experience featuring the Atlanta Falcons rolls into town without Vick, who finally mastered the West Coast offense only to break his leg when a screen pass play went horribly wrong in week 8. Matt Schaub, who everyone drooled over before the season started, played so poorly in his four starts that he was benched in favor of Virginia Tech rookie Bryan Randall. Randall does his best Vick impression – Marcus Vick that is – and steps on Andre Carter’s calf after being sacked. The resulting penalty on Randall starts a snowball effect and leads to a Redskins blowout victory. Back at ESPN studios, Chris Berman blames Andre Carter for the incident and says the Redskins should be forced to forfeit the game.

Sun., December 10th – vs. Philadelphia
Sean Taylor comes back from his two-game spitting suspension and dominates. With help from the other U alumni, Taylor and Rocky McIntosh lead the defensive charge as the Skins earn their first shutout victory in several seasons. Unfortunately, Taylor wears mismatching socks, drawing a three game suspension from the NFL.

Sun., December 17th – vs. Los Angeles Saints at San Antonio
After Hurricanes Alberto, Beryl, Chris and Debby smack into New Orleans, Saints owner Tom Benson decides he’s had enough and moves the team to Los Angeles in the middle of the season. However, when Los Angeles predictably screws up a stadium deal, the Saints are forced to play their remaining games in the Alamodome. Dan Snyder offers to play the Saints at FedEx Field, but NFL commissioner Condoleezza Rice quickly turns him down, saying that it would be completely unfair to the other three teams in the division if the fourth team were to get nine home games. And who would be stupid enough to allow that to happen? Saints rookie Reggie Bush is so confused by all the moving, he shows up at the Los Angeles Coliseum dressed in a red, #5 Trojans jersey. Without Bush, Drew Brees struggles, going 10 for 25 with two picks and a touchdown (at the time, Brees’ touchdown equals the season total of Philip Rivers). The Skins get their third straight easy victory.

Sun., December 24th – at St. Louis
The Rams seem to be potential blowout victim #4 as they limp into the Christmas holiday at 4-10. But it wouldn’t be a Redskins season if they didn’t play down to at least one opponent. Portis gets it going early and stakes the Redskins to an early lead. But the offense suddenly gets pass happy, and St. Louis crawls back into the game. It takes overtime for the Redskins as they clinch their division on a Brunell to Santana Moss 40-yard touchdown pass.

Sat., December 30th – vs. N.Y. Giants
After taking a look at the schedule, Tom Coughlin realizes that the Giants have only played eight home games so far. Expecting their traditional ninth home game on the season’s final weekend, the Giants show up to the Meadowlands on Saturday night ready to play. To their dismay, the G-men enter to an empty New Jersey stadium…save for Chris Berman and the ESPN/New York Network sports hype machine doing their pregame show. Berman is incensed that the Redskins didn’t bow and cater to New York City like his network does. Realizing there is little he can do, Berman decides to have Peter King guest host the show, and along with Michael Crackpipe Irvin, spends 30 minutes agreeing that Art Monk shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame over Irvin because Monk once refused to do an interview with King and hurt his feelings. Thanks to the forfeit, the Skins finish 12-4. That mark is good enough for a first place tie with Carolina and Seattle. The Skins earn a two seed in the NFC, and are labeled one of the favorites to win Super Bowl XLI. One day later, Pete Prisco comes out with his weekly rankings and generously has the Redskins ranked a season-high 26th. Dan Snyder has him “taken care of” soon after.