NFL Week 16: Pro Bowl Trips For Cheaters And The Non-Deserving

I completely forgot to unveil my Pro-Bowl team. So I guess I’ll just complain here and there during this post about some of the picks. Anyway, there are two weeks left and the records continue to be better than ever. After another week spent well above .500, the records look like this:
Overall: 138-72 (66%)
Vs. Spread: 119-82-9
Go ahead, I dare you to find anyone (anyone credible that is, not some yahoo making random pick) that has a better mark with/against the spread. Anyone. The dominating continues, but don’t use these picks for wagering purposes.

THURSDAY
Minnesota Vikings (6-8) vs. Green Bay Packers (6-8)(-3)
8:00 p.m. Lambeau Field
Here’s something you thought you'd never hear me say…why didn’t Brett Favre make the Pro Bowl this season? His numbers are better than any NFC quarterback other than Drew Brees. How exactly did Tony Romo make it over Favre considering he only played half the season on one of the most talented teams money can buy. Favre played with Donald Driver and a bunch of rejects and still managed to coerce a 6-8 record from them. Favre has made it before when he didn’t deserve it, why didn’t he make it this year?
Pick: Packers

SATURDAY
Kansas City Chiefs (7-7)(-7) vs. Oakland Raiders (2-12)
8:00 p.m. McAfee Coliseum
If the lackluster Pittsburgh-Cleveland game didn’t kill these non-Sunday games, then this one surely will.
Pick: Chiefs

SUNDAY
Tennessee Titans (7-7) vs. Buffalo Bills (7-7)(-4.5)
1:00 p.m. Ralph Wilson Stadium
The 2006 Titans and Bills are the exact replicas of the 2005 Dolphins. Even though neither of these teams are going to add an injured quarterback in the offseason, both of them will probably suffer the same fate and unrealized hopes in 2007 that the Dolphins did this season.
Pick: Titans

New Orleans Saints (9-5) vs. New York Giants (7-7)(-4)
1:00 p.m. Giants Stadium
So is this game going to count as a home game for the Saints this year?
Pick: Saints

Carolina Panthers (6-8) vs. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)(-6)
1:00 p.m. Georgia Dome
So I guess I can’t keep putting clauses in my picks that say if Chris Weinke starts then the pick is voided. I’ll just have to pick against Carolina from the start. But since I’m picking Atlanta, it probably means that the Panthers will keep their season alive. I hate Atlanta. They are single-handedly killing my record.
Pick: Falcons

Indianapolis Colts (11-3)(-9) vs. Houston Texans (4-10)
1:00 p.m. Reliant Stadium
Ok, are we all done panicking about the Colts? You just let me know when you’re ready to talk about them winning the Super Bowl again. I’ll be right here.
Pick: Colts

Baltimore Ravens (11-3) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7)(-3)
1:00 p.m. Heinz Field
After bashing Baltimore most of the season, I finally made it a point to watch an entire game featuring the Ravens. You know, just to see what all the fuss was about. Kyle Boller not withstanding, the Ravens were what I thought they were: an above average team that would be fortunate to get past its first playoff game. You look at San Diego and LaDainian Tomlinson is operating on a different plain than everyone else. The Colts offense is littered with playmakers. Same with the Bengals (Palmer, Johnson and Johnson), Patriots (Brady) and Jaguars (Jones-Drew and Taylor). If I’m an opposing coach, I don’t see one player on the Ravens offense that scares me. This isn’t 2000 anymore; you need more than defense to win games in January. The Ravens are going to have to put up points against a decent defense eventually.
Pick: Steelers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-11) vs. Cleveland Browns (4-10)(-3)
1:00 p.m. Cleveland Browns Stadium
The problem with talking about all these games is I actually have to talk about all these games. Including two teams with a combined seven wins in fifteen weeks. You know what, I’ll just take a pass and make a pick.
Pick: Buccaneers

Chicago Bears (12-2)(-4) vs. Detroit Lions (2-12)
1:00 p.m. Ford Field
Fans with paper bags over their head, only a quarter of the stadium filled, Matt Millen staring into space from his GM box…ah yes, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Detroit.
Pick: Bears

New England Patriots (10-4) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6)(-2)
1:00 p.m. Alltell Stadium
So Tom Brady didn’t make the Pro Bowl this year. About damn time. The Patriots are on their way down. This is a team that would have been much, much worse over the last few seasons if it didn’t play in a terrible division. Now that all three AFC East teams are starting to improve, look for New England to get progressively worse the next few years. Corey Dillon is all but finished. Laurence Maroney is a nobody. He’s not even in the top 10 of the 2006 rookie class right now. The team possesses no receiving threats. The defense is aging rapidly. Just consider the fact that the Patriots are actually going to bring back 50-year old Junior Seau for another season. Barring a major roster overhaul, Brady is going to end up like the 2003-2006 Brett Favre.
Pick: Jaguars

Arizona Cardinals (4-10) vs. San Francisco 49ers (6-8)(-4)
4:05 p.m. Monster Park
No, the 49ers are not making the playoffs. Forget it. Why are we even talking about it? Matt Leinart is going to light up their defense like someone lighting up the 49ers defense. Yeah I know, terrible simile. But it works.
Pick: Cardinals

Cincinnati Bengals (8-6) vs. Denver Broncos (8-6)(-3)
4:15 p.m. Invesco Field at Mile High
This is the most important game of the week. I continue to feel that Cincinnati is too talented to miss the playoffs. I just can’t see them losing their last two games. And I think they’ll have a dogfight next week against Pittsburgh. Even though this game is in Mile High, and Denver is almost unbeatable there in December, I don’t think the Broncos can beat a decent team.
Pick: Bengals

San Diego Chargers (12-2)(-5.5) vs. Seattle Seahawks (8-6)
4:15 p.m. Qwest Field
Just imagine how good San Diego would be with Tomlinson and Drew Brees. I think the ’72 Dolphins would have been pretty worried right about now. On another note, how in the world can Shawne Merriman make the Pro Bowl? He missed four games this year for CHEATING, and he gets rewarded with a trip to Hawaii (and I’m sure a bonus in his contract). Does the NFL really want to promote steroid use, because they’re doing a great job of it right now. I’m glad he’s “clean” and all, and I believe in second chances. But he should have been suspended for the rest of this season, tested all through 2007, and allowed to come back next year. Not given a paid vacation in November and then another paid vacation to Hawaii because he attained his gaudy stats with illegal substances.
Pick: Chargers

MONDAY
Philadelphia Eagles (8-6) vs. Dallas Cowboys (9-5)(-8)
5:00 p.m. Texas Stadium
Remember last season when Sean Taylor spit in Michael Pittman’s face? Of course you do. But do you remember the stink that Chris Berman tried to cause after the fact? He tried to get Taylor suspended for the Skins next playoff game against Seattle. So Terrell Owens spits on DeAngelo Hall, admits he did it, and what does Berman say? I quote: “That’s just T.O. being T.O.” And then he moved on. Are you kidding me? He spent a solid week bitching about Taylor and he brushes aside this latest Owens incident like it never happened. ESPN, if you ever want me to watch your football coverage again, you will fire Berman’s fat ass immediately. And force Crack Pipe out with him please.
Pick: Cowboys, Eagles cover

New York Jets (8-6) vs. Miami Dolphins (6-8)(-2.5)
8:30 p.m. Dolphins Stadium
The Jets have a chance to further their unexpected playoff chances with a win against a team they can never beat on the road. This smells like a choke job waiting to happen, but I’ll give the swampland residents one more chance.
Pick: Jets