NFL Week 6: Ravens Fans Are Pussies

Ain't no way they can stop me now
Cause I'm on my way, I can feel my ring comin’
It's the blood of a champion pumpin’
Deep inside my veins, too much pride to be runnin’
-Nelly

Sure, Nelly came up with the lyrics, but I’m sure they’re about me. More specifically about my picks. I had another dominating week. I check in once again with an 11-2 mark, and I was only a couple of points away from being perfect. And as impressive as the overall record is at this point, the record against the spread could be considered even better. After an 11-1-1 week, Vegas is growing scared of predicting skills. Just check out the season records for yourself:
Overall: 49-20 (71%)
Vs. Spread: 42-23-4
Let’s look at it this way. If I put 50 dollars on every game this season, it would cost me $3450. Figuring in the upsets I’ve picked and the pushes, I would be up somewhere in the vicinity of $1200. And that’s if I just wagered $50 a game. If I (or you) were high rollers, we’d be sitting on a pretty nice pile of cash. I’m sure that somewhere out there, someone is doing better against the spread than I am. But I checked ESPN, CBS Sportsline and other well-known sites and I don’t see anyone close to me. Anyway, I got a lot to get to this week, and there are only 12 games to talk about. This is usually where I warn you not to bet on the information below. This week I say go for it.

SUNDAY
Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)(-5.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4)
1:00 p.m. Raymond James Stadium
Look, Tampa is going to win at least 6 games this season. They aren’t going to be winless for long. But how can you not like Cincinnati coming off a terrible loss and a bye week?
Pick: Bengals

Houston Texans (1-3) vs. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)(-12.5)
1:00 p.m. Texas Stadium
For all the hype surrounding Dallas the last couple of weeks, you’d think they’d be better than a .500 team. Or at least more than one game better than the other Texas team. The hype machine rolls on.
Pick: Cowboys

Buffalo Bills (2-3)(-1) vs. Detroit Lions (0-5)
1:00 p.m. Ford Field
There is so much not to like in this game. The quarterbacks are bad. The offensive lines are worse. Does either team still field a secondary? My advice to you is not to bet on this game. Stay away from it. If you have to, then use my long-standing piece of advice. When in doubt, go against the Lions.
Pick: Bills

Seattle Seahawks (3-1)(-3) vs. St. Louis Rams (4-1)
1:00 p.m. Edward Jones Dome
Ok, I know the St. Louis bandwagon is filling up. We’ll see how long it stays that way. This is a must win game for St. Louis. If they can’t beat the Seahawks, at home, without Shaun Alexander, then they’ll finally be exposed for the frauds they are. A win here makes the conversation about the Rams a little more interesting. What I said above for the Bengals relates to this game as well. The Hawks are coming off a bad loss and a bye week. Even without Alexander, I love their chances to put up at least 28 points.
Pick: Seahawks

New York Giants (2-2) vs. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)(-3)
1:00 p.m. Georgia Dome
Lavar Arrington, by my count, had a one tackle and one deflected pass in the Giants win last week. You listen to him speak and you’d be led to believe he scored a couple of touchdowns and played quarterback in the second half. Easy Lavar. Let’s see how many times Mike Vick makes him look foolish in this one.
Pick: Falcons

Philadelphia Eagles (4-1)(-4) vs. New Orleans Saints (4-1)
1:00 p.m. Louisiana Superdome
At this point, I believe the Saints are in for an extraordinary year. There is no reason to think otherwise. They’re a team with a mission. They’re deep, they have chemistry and they’re playing with a purpose. The defensive backfield is a little beat up, and that could hurt them this week with Philly in town, but I don’t think New Orleans is going to lose a home game all season. The countdown to the Eagles collapse is only three weeks away (just look at their second half schedule). So please, no more McNabb is back articles until after Thanksgiving.
Pick: Saints

Carolina Panthers (3-2) vs. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)(-3)
1:00 p.m. M&T Bank Stadium
Then there is this article from the Baltimore Sun. I don’t know where to start. What a little bitch. This bandleader is like the obnoxious ten-year-old kid in elementary school who would rat on anyone for any little thing. Oh, no! I received a piece of mail from the Redskins…my life is inevitably changed. How will I go on living? I know, let me turn them in to the NFL. What a pussy.

Here’s a fact: I receive Ravens mail and catalogues ALL THE TIME. Not just once or twice. And I live well within Montgomery County, which is located in the so-called Burgundy Zone. You know what I do with Ravens propaganda…I throw it out! I know that’s a novel concept Ravens fans, but if I don’t want the mail, I don’t keep it. I certainly don’t go making a federal case out of it either. That won’t be the procedure anymore, because you can bet your ass the next time I see that hideous shade of purple in my mail stack, it’s going right to the Redskins and NFL.

This is just another reason to hate Baltimore and Baltimorons. Little things like this non-story. They are so arrogant, and for what? They live in one of the worst cities in the country. If it wasn’t for Detroit, Baltimore would be the butt of every joke in the country. The city is falling apart everywhere you look. Even the Inner Harbor, about the only safe place in the entire city, is becoming a piece of trash. The Harbor itself smells like rotting fish. The market stores there are very overpriced. If it wasn’t for Fells Point and the occasional trip to the ESPN Zone, Baltimore could be wiped off the map for all I care (like in Sum of All Fears where Baltimore gets nuked…that’s a pleasant thought). Also, Baltimore has the highest crime rate for a major city in the entire country. Worse than New York. Much worse than D.C. Even worse than usual murder capital New Orleans, and they had rioting and looting for a good two weeks in 2005. And now I’m supposed to vote for the mayor of this disgusting town for Governor of the great state of Maryland? Tell me it isn’t so (And I’ll probably end up voting for him since the alternative is Republican incumbent Robert “The Governing You Want, The Hairpiece You Need” Ehrlich, who raised my tuition about 5 million percent while I was at Maryland…better higher learning my ass.)

Is it any surprise that people are a bit embarrassed to tell you they’re from Baltimore. You ask me where I’m from and I’ll say D.C. Although technically I’m not from D.C., I’m not ashamed to admit that I consider that city my home. You ask someone from New York where they’re from, they’ll tell you New York. Same thing with people from Philly. You ask someone from Baltimore where they’re from, you’ll get a variety of answers. Catonsville, Cockeysville, Towson, etc…All these unknown suburbs. This is the only city I know where residents identify themselves more with their suburb than their metropolitan area. People don’t want to admit they’re from Baltimore. And I don’t blame them.

Maybe the worst part about this whole “mailgate” is the Baltimore Sun’s decision to publish it on the front of their sports page. What’s the story here? Someone opened their mailbox and received…mail? Is that news? Cause I got to tell you, the Washington Post should be covering me every time I go to my mailbox because I get mail too.

If any team should be pissed here, it should be the Redskins. The Ravens have no business eating into the Redskins market. Forty years ago, the Redskins had a huge market and controlled almost the entire Southeast. Then Atlanta got a team. Then Charlotte. Then Nashville. Little by little, the Redskins market was stolen from them. Then the league decided it would be a great idea to let the greedy-eyed Art Modell move his team to Baltimore. The Redskins should have protested this move vehemently. Baltimore already had a team, and lost it. They had the Colts until 1983, and they blew it. Their fans were terrible and didn’t support the team. They shouldn’t be rewarded with another team. Once they lost the Colts that should have been it. Once the Colts left, the Redskins had the rights to Baltimore and it should never have been taken away. The Skins have been in this area since 1937, the Ravens have been here about 10 minutes. Why are the Ravens getting this massive area to advertise in?

Now, because of this intruder to the North, the Redskins have lost almost 75% of their market from 1960. 75%! This includes most of Maryland, which is the state the Redskins happen to play in. What other team faces these kinds of restrictions? What other team can’t even advertise in the majority of their own state? Even with the massive loss of most of their market and fan base, the Redskins still manage to be the most profitable team in the entire country in any sport. That’s pretty damn impressive.

Now to these preposterous zones. If there is an actual Burgundy Zone and Purple Zone, why do we have Ravens billboards in Montgomery County? Why am I getting Ravens mail? And why, for the love of God, do we get every Ravens game on television? If Montgomery and Prince George’s County are part of Redskins territory, why are we subjected to Ravens games every week? I have a cousin who is a Redskins fan in Baltimore and she complains all the time about not being able to see the Skins. I know for a fact that the Baltimore affiliates are not required to carry Redskins games. Why are Washington affiliates forced to carry almost every Ratbirds games?

If I was running the Redskins, and it was up to me, I’d send people down to the Inner Harbor to hand out Redskins pamphlets. I would rent an advertising billboard at Camden Yards (even though no one shows up anymore). I would put a banner up on the Bromo-Seltzer Tower. But since the league doesn’t allow this because of the Ravens being in town, then there’s got to be another way.

The solution to this Baltimore problem is simple. Los Angeles still needs a team, right? Then let me introduce you to the Los Angeles Ravens. Ship these fuckers out West. Then you can turn Pissy Net Stadium or M&T Bank Stadium or whatever it’s being called into M&T Bank Baltimore Prison. Baltimore needs somewhere to house all their criminals. I think Ray Lewis would make a great first prisoner. The Redskins then get the rights to advertise freely in Baltimore and almost anywhere else in the state of Maryland while the Eagles get the rights to the Northeastern part of the state. Think of how much more money the Redskins could generate for themselves, and most importantly, the league, if they were to have the access they deserve to the Baltimore market. If nothing else, it would give this tattletale bandleader something to really bitch about.
Pick: Panthers

Miami Dolphins (1-4) vs. New York Jets (2-3)(-2.5)
4:15 p.m. Giants Stadium
Joey Harrington is not the answer. He is never the answer. There is no worthwhile question that would ever end with Joey Harrington being the answer.
Pick: Jets

San Diego Chargers (3-1)(-10) vs. San Francisco 49ers (2-3)
4:15 p.m. Monster Park
How is it possible that the 49ers have a better record than the Dolphins, Cardinals and Buccaneers? Hell, they have a better record than the Steelers. How bad is the NFL this season?
Pick: Chargers

Kansas City Chiefs (2-2) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3)(-7)
4:15 p.m. Heinz Field
What ever happened to Tony Gonzalez? Didn’t this guy used to be an elite tight end? Did he retire? And for all the hype I keep hearing about Larry Johnson, he’s having a strictly average season. But I could have told you that would happen.
Pick: Steelers

Oakland Raiders (0-5) vs. Denver Broncos (3-1)(-15)
8:15 p.m. Invesco Field at Mile High
As it is with every Raiders game, the question is not whether or not their opponent can win, it’s if their opponent can cover the large spread.
Pick: Broncos, Raiders cover

MONDAY
Chicago Bears (5-0)(-10) vs. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
8:30 p.m. University of Phoenix Stadium
So the Cardinals find themselves at 1-4, which is about par for the course for this franchise. It’s still too early for the Cards to pull off those weird late-season upsets that they’re known for. They’re certainly not going to do it with a rookie quarterback against this defense.
Pick: Bears

Bye Week: Cleveland, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Minnesota (Warm up the boats!), New England

The Skins once again try and salvage their season from going under before November. So it’s a good thing that the Titans are coming to town. Right? Come back tomorrow.