NFL Week 3: Joey Porter Has The I.Q. Of A 2-Year Old

Even though the Redskins aren’t picking up where they left off in 2005, my picks sure are. After a sub par 8-7 opening week, I rebounded nicely into a comfortable 11-4 mark. This week looks like another prime opportunity to improve the records, which so far look like this:
Overall: 19-11 (63%)
Vs. Spread: 17-13
As always, please do not use the following picks for gambling purposes.

SUNDAY
New York Jets (1-1) vs. Buffalo Bills (1-1)(-6)
1:00 p.m. Ralph Wilson Stadium
I’ve been impressed by what I’ve seen from both teams so far. Despite a terrible off-season, the Bills remarkably resemble a NFL team for the first time in three year. And despite all the youth, the Jets offensive line is actually doing a great job in protecting Fragile Chad. After a big road win last week for Buffalo, the Bills are prime for a big letdown for their home-opener.
Pick: Jets

Cincinnati Bengals (2-0) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1)(-2)
1:00 p.m. Heinz Field
Look, when ABC started doing this player self-introduction thing years ago, I thought it was a pretty cool idea. You get to see each individual player, his position and he gets to talk about his college. But in the second year of ABC’s live introductions, Laveranues Coles decided to give a shout out to his high school (For good reason…Florida State expelled Coles in response to his role in the Peter Warrick “free shoes” scandal but refused to suspend Warrick because he was the star at FSU. Coles refuses to acknowledge that he ever attended FSU.). Since then, the player-introduction thing has been going downhill. In the past few years the players refuse to give their names (For example: Clinton Portis famously said “You Know Me”) and have been giving shout outs to middle schools, elementary schools, pre-schools, hometowns, area codes, zip codes and God knows what else. This year, ESPN decides to have one player introduce the rest of his unit. Marcus Washington got to introduce the Redskins defense in the opening Monday Night for example. But since most NFL players can’t put together a rational sentence, this idea was doomed from the get go. Most players so far can only process three to four names at a time and have usually ended up saying “Here is the front four…the best front four in the league” or something stupid like that. Joey Porter, in all his infinite wisdom, already hit rock bottom in ESPN’s dim-witted idea. Porter, between his nonsense ramblings about his defense, decided to imitate some Howard Dean screaming bit from the otherwise hilarious Chappelle Show. I got the reference, but if it wasn’t for Mike Tirico explaining it, I’m sure that 95% of the people watching wouldn’t have. Not to mention the fact that Porter, given the chance to be a selfless teammate and talk about his entire defense, decided to once again deflect all the attention to himself and his totally retarded joke. Hey Joey, enjoy going 1-2. BEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Pick: Bengals

*The Predictor Game of the Week*
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-0) vs. Indianapolis Colts (2-0)(-7)
1:00 p.m. RCA Dome
Remember when I said that we’d quickly find out if the 2005 Jaguars were really 12-4 good or the fortunate benefactors of an easy schedule? Well, we’re starting to find out that they were pretty good. Congratulations to Jack Del Rio. He’s beaten two talented but over hyped teams and his reward is a trip to Indianapolis. While his defense has been great, Del Rio’s offense hasn’t played a complete game yet. The offense has been clutch in the second half of ballgames, but if they put another goose egg on the board in the first half in Indy, they’ll find themselves in a deep hole.
Pick: Colts

Tennessee Titans (0-2) vs. Miami Dolphins (0-2)(-11)
1:00 p.m. Dolphins Stadium
So the Dolphins can’t lose to the Titans. They can’t go 0-3. Right? RIGHT?
Pick: Dolphins, Titans cover

Chicago Bears (2-0)(-3) vs. Minnesota Vikings (2-0)
1:00 p.m. H.H.H. Metrodome
Before we get all worked up over the Bears, let’s remember that they’ve played Green Bay and Detroit. If those two teams combine for 10 wins it would be an accomplishment. Minnesota has beaten some real competition, but they’ve also gotten very lucky two weeks in a row. Don’t look for the Bears defense to make the same mistake that the Redskins and Panthers defenses did and allow Brad Johnson all day to throw the ball.
Pick: Bears

Carolina Panthers (0-2)(-2.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2)
1:00 p.m. Raymond James Stadium
One team will keep their season alive and the other will most likely be done before October. I don’t think anyone had both teams coming into this one at 0-2. This should have been the early battle for the division lead, not the division cellar.
Pick: Panthers

Green Bay Packers (0-2) vs. Detroit Lions (0-2)(-6.5)
1:00 p.m. Ford Field
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Detroit, they start the 2006 season with a bang. Roy Williams is being a dumbass, Mike Williams is bitching and Charles Rogers is working out at some undisclosed location. And receiver is supposed to be one of the STRONGER parts of this team. Oh, Detroit.
Pick: Packers

Baltimore Ravens (0-2)(-6.5) vs. Cleveland Browns (0-2)
4:05 p.m. Cleveland Browns Stadium
Like Chicago, let’s not get that excited about Baltimore either after two weeks. Unlike Chicago, the Ravens won’t even be challenged in week 3. That’s right, their opponents combined record so far is 0-6 (and will most likely be 0-9 after Sunday). Next week the Ravens host an inner-city, out of conference rivalry game against Towson.
Pick: Ravens

St. Louis Rams (1-1) vs. Arizona Cardinals (1-1)(-4)
4:15 p.m. Cardinals Stadium
Two things were accomplished last week. The 49ers embarrassed the Rams so that they wouldn’t start 2-0 and we wouldn’t have to hear about the Rams resurgence (much like we have to hear about this mysterious Baltimore resurgence). The second thing that was accomplished last week (check next game)…
Pick: Cardinals

Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)(-6) vs. San Francisco 49ers (1-1)
4:15 p.m. Monster Park
…was the Eagles complete collapse – at home – to the Giants. You know, a Giants team with a quarterback who had won only two previous road games in his career. Look, with the Texans, 49ers and Packers on their schedule in the early going, we all know the Eagles are going to start 4-1 or even 5-2. After that, they won’t win more than two games. Their schedule won’t allow it. So can we just skip all this “Donovan McNabb is back” bullshit until the Eagles beat a real team in November? Please?
Pick: Eagles

New York Giants (1-1) vs. Seattle Seahawks (2-0)(-4)
4:15 p.m. Qwest Field
After bashing the Giants and Eli Manning, I guess I have to give credit to where credit is due. So here it goes…boy that Seahawks defense looks really good! Once they get Matt Hasselbeck going, they’ll be unstoppable bay-bee!
Pick: Seahawks

Denver Broncos (1-1) vs. New England Patriots (2-0)(-6.5)
8:15 p.m. Gillette Field
Last season, after the Redskins started 2-0, Peter King and his buddies at Sports Illustrated felt it necessary to deem the 2005 Redskins as the worst 2-0 team of all-time. They said the same thing after the Redskins started 3-0. Well as stupid and worthless as that moniker is (better to be a bad 2-0 team than a good 0-2 team), I think we found a new winner in the worst 2-0 team of all-time: The 2006 New England Patriots! They got a gift win at home against a bad Buffalo team. Then they almost pulled a Philadelphia and choked away a 24-point lead to a bad Jets team. I’m sure that Jake Plummer will somehow find a way to hand New England another one.
Pick: Patriots

MONDAY
Atlanta Falcons (2-0)(-4) vs. New Orleans Saints (2-0)
8:30 p.m. The New Orleans Superdome
This is a must watch game. How can anyone root against New Orleans? Even I, one of the more cynical and sarcastic people you’ll ever meet, have to root for the Saints. Other than the Skins (and who knows how long they’ll be in contention…not much longer at this rate), the Saints have become my favorite team. They’ve got exciting young players, a smart coach and with the hurricane storyline, they’re impossible to root against. They need to win this game. And I know that I haven’t picked the Falcons to win yet this season, and I realize that Atlanta is probably a better team, but this game has all the makings of a Saints blowout victory.
Pick: Saints

Bye Weeks: Dallas, Kansas City, Oakland, San Diego

Sometime before the game, I'll post my Redskins-Texans preview. I say sometime because my people are celebrating their New Year this weekend and that takes priority over this thing.