NFL Week 4: The (E)ntirely (S)ensationalized And (P)redictable (N)etwork

Another week, another terrific set of picks. After a rough week one, I’ve reeled off two impressive Sunday’s in a row. Last week I was 11-2. That’s right…11-2. I was just a couple of Kurt Warner fumbles and the crappy play of one Tom Brady away from having a perfect week. While the goal of a spotless week remains (I was very close twice last season), I’ll have to settle for these superb numbers at the time being:
Overall: 30-13 (70%)
Vs. Spread: 25-16-2 (The Colts and Bears pushed last week)
So let’s see if I can get to 11 wins in three consecutive weeks. Chances are I will, but please don’t use the following for any serious wagering.

SUNDAY
Indianapolis Colts (3-0)(-9) vs. New York Jets (2-1)
1:00 p.m. Giants Stadium
Does anyone really believe in the Jets 2-1 record? I sure don’t. Make it 3-1 by beating the Colts, then maybe we’ll start talking.
Pick: Colts

San Diego Chargers (2-0)(-2) vs. Baltimore Ravens (3-0)
1:00 p.m. M&T Bank Stadium
Does anyone really believe in the Ravens 3-0 record? I sure don’t. At least this week the Ravens are playing a team that has actually won a game. The Ratbirds previous three wins have come against teams with a combined 0-8 record. The offense still looks dreadful, but it certainly helps to play the Bucs, Raiders and Browns to open up the season. Last week the Ravens needed a last second field goal to beat pitiful Cleveland…and that field goal came only after a gift interception from Charlie Frye. I don’t like the idea of picking the Sidearmer against Baltimore’s defense, but I really don’t like the idea of taking Baltimore’s offense against any decent football team.
Pick: Chargers

Minnesota Vikings (2-1) vs. Buffalo Bills (1-2)(-2)
1:00 p.m. Ralph Wilson Stadium
The Bills are favored? I don’t know what to say except for “thank you Vegas.”
Pick: Vikings

Dallas Cowboys (1-1)(-9.5) vs. Tennessee Titans (0-3)
1:00 p.m. LP Field
I guess it would be pretty foolish of me to avoid talking about another Terrell Owens saga. So here it goes. I think over the course of the last 36 hours, we’ve finally seen the sports media – namely ESPN – jump the shark in terms of their obsessive and non-stop coverage over the same handful of stories. When was the last time that anyone can remember watching SportsCenter when one of their big stories didn’t consist of: Terrell Owens/Donovan McNabb, the New England Patriots, the Yankees, the Red Sox, Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant or Notre Dame? ESPN really screwed up big time here. They completely fabricated a story about Owens attempting suicide for the lone reason of ratings. And it backfired miserably. Now ESPN is scrambling to cover their asses by citing this mystery police report that says Owens was suicidal, while at the same time, ignoring another report that says nothing about any suicide. Is it so hard to believe that a player like Owens, who has been injured a lot recently, could have taken a few too many pain pills by accident? But where’s the story in that? Where’s the intrigue? Where’s the excuse of 24-7 coverage? That’s not interesting to the idiot viewers who watch SportsCenter religiously. You know what sounds better? Suicide attempts, late night stomach pumps and a manic-depressive wide receiver. Unfortunately, none of those things actually happened. But these dopes that watch SportsCenter everyday and are hanging on every word on what happens to Owens, or what happens to Tom Brady or Derek Jeter, believe what they’re being told and keep tuning in. It has become painfully obvious to anyone not working at ESPN that this was a simple mistake by Owens. As much as I hate Owens, it is sickening to see anybody treated like this. He can’t take a dump without ESPN creating controversy over it. Did Owens have Parcells’ permission to take a crap? Did he miss practice by going to the bathroom? Did he really crap or did he just piss sitting down? Find out tonight at 6 on SportsCenter!

See, unlike ESPN, I don’t blame most of the Eagles’ problems last season on Owens, nor do I blame the current discord in Dallas on Owens now. Did T.O. play in roll in all this disharmony? Sure. But was it his fault that Donovan McNabb quit on his team with this phony hernia injury? No. Was it his fault that McNabb cried like a baby that Owens was picking on him? No. Was it his fault that Andy Reid came up with the genious idea of throwing the ball 70% of the time? No. Was it his fault that half of the Eagles defense was hurt? No. Was it his fault that ESPN spent way too much time covering every little thing that went on in Eagles camp last season? No. Was it his fault that ESPN led the in over-hyping the Eagles all pre-season when most reasonable football fans knew that the Eagles were due for a underachieving year? No. In fact, if angry Eagles fans really want to blame someone or something for their 2005 problems, maybe they should look no further than ESPN. It was Owens and McNabb that created the initial rift in camp, but it was ESPN that exploited it and drove an irreversible wedge between the two players and the Eagles locker room. ESPN, more than Andy Reid, more than T.O., more than McNabb and maybe even more than the Eagles’ injuries, was responsible for the 2005 Eagles and their failures.

Hopefully this non-suicide incident will be the one that breaks the camel’s back. Hopefully the sham reporting job done by the New York-Bostonwide leader in sports will wake people up to the fact that ESPN peaked about ten years ago, and that ESPN is no better at reporting sports than Access Hollywood is at reporting real news stories. ESPN has become a tabloid network. They sensationalize the same stories over and over again to satisfy their viewers who live in New York, Boston or root for the Cowboys, and they couldn’t give a damn about covering the rest of the country. Did you know that the Cowboys are the only team that gets its own ESPN reporter? I’ve seen Ed Werder report on Owens so much over that past year that he’s starting to look depressed. Maybe ESPN should put a suicide watch on Ed.

It’s my dream that this latest saga will start to topple ESPN. Or at the very least, it will force ESPN to take a long hard look at itself. Since there are no other comparable national sports networks, sports fans are most likely stuck tuning in to ESPN for the time being. But I urge everyone who doesn’t live within driving distance of Bristol, CT or everyone who doesn’t root for the detesting Blue Star to flood ESPN with mail or calls or whatever. Tell them you want to hear more about your team. Why should we still be hearing about the Red Sox when they were eliminated a long time ago? Let’s get rid of this dope Sports Guy, Boston-lover Peter Gammons and New York/Philly loudmouth Stephen Asshole Smith and dedicate more time and space to the Minnesota Twins, Oakland A’s and San Diego Padres (those are actual baseball teams by the way, I know ESPN forgot to mention that there are more teams out there than just the Yanks, Sox and Mets). Let’s remember that there are players in the NBA not named Kobe Bryant or LeBron James, and players in the NFL that are not named Tom Brady. Let’s hear about some real NFL news other than the repeated misfortunes of Owens and McNabb. This is a national network and it’s about time we had some national sports coverage. I’m sick of this.
Pick: Cowboys, Titans cover

San Francisco 49ers (1-2) vs. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2)(-7)
1:00 p.m. Arrowhead Stadium
Unfortunately, I forgot to pace myself. I’ve used all the material in the above rant and I don’t know how much I have left for the rest of these games. Who to go with here? The NFL’s worst team the past three seasons or a team led by Damon Huard? Can I get a third option?
Pick: Chiefs

New Orleans Saints (3-0) vs. Carolina Panthers (1-2)(-7)
1:00 p.m. Bank of America Stadium
All props to me…I not only called a Saints win last Monday night, but I called a Saints blowout win. I should get credit for two victories in my overall record for that one. The Saints suffer classic “post-big game letdown syndrome” in this one.
Pick: Panthers, Saints cover

Arizona Cardinals (1-2) vs. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)(-7.5)
1:00 p.m. Georgia Dome
The Saints were able to dominate Atlanta because of their defensive game plan. Any team that can keep Michael Vick within the tackles and contain Warrick Dunn to some degree is going to beat Atlanta. The Falcons offense won’t be able to put up enough points. Unfortunately for the Cardinals, they possess a front seven that can’t stop Dunn and can’t hedge in Vick.
Pick: Falcons

Miami Dolphins (1-2)(-3.5) vs. Houston Texans (0-3)
1:00 p.m. Reliant Stadium
I think it’s safe to say that Mario Williams is well on his way to becoming a bust. Last week, on the 23-yard swing pass to Antwaan Randle El that resulted in a touchdown, Williams was so thoroughly dominated that he was blocked five yards out of bounds. Who did the blocking, you ask? Was it Jon Jansen? Was it Chris Samuels? Was it Randy Thomas? None of the above. The blocker was Mike Sellers…the fullback. The number one pick in the draft was knocked out off the field of play by the Redskins fullback. Mario can have a seat right next to Vernon Davis at the 2006 bust table.
Pick: Dolphins

Detroit Lions (0-3) vs. St. Louis Rams (2-1)(-5.5)
4:05 p.m. Edward Jones Dome
The Lions have got to be the biggest Oakland Raiders fans in the country right now. If not for Oakland, Detroit easily becomes the NFL’s biggest embarrassment. Suffice to say, I don’t think I’m going to pick either the Raiders or the Lions the entire season.
Pick: Rams

New England Patriots (2-1) vs. Cincinnati Bengals (3-0)(-6)
4:15 p.m. Paul Brown Stadium
You gotta love the Bengals. First they shut up Joey Porter and his obnoxious backup singers. Now they get a chance to put the ESPN Patriots of New England at .500. Good times.
Pick: Bengals

Cleveland Browns (0-3)(-3) vs. Oakland Raiders (0-2)
4:15 p.m. McAfee Coliseum
How bad are the Raiders? Vegas has them as three point underdogs at home to a winless Cleveland Browns team. On the other hand, there is no truth to the rumor that Oakland lost last Sunday to the Bye Week.
Pick: Browns

Seattle Seahawks (3-0) vs. Chicago Bears (3-0)(-3)
8:15 p.m. Solider Field
As I expected, the Bears didn’t look all that great against a good Minnesota team. Yes they won, and yes they beat a division team on the road. I’ll give them that. But if it weren’t for the Vikings playing prevent defense in the final two minutes, we’d all be talking about how bad Rex Grossman looked in the second half. He pulled an Aaron Brooks early in the fourth and decided to blindly throw off his back foot in his own endzone. It landed right in the arms of Antoine Winfield who seemed shocked that an NFL quarterback would basically hand him an interception at the five-yard line. I know the Bears defense is good, but so is Seattle’s. Grossman will most likely struggle again. Look for Matt Hasselbeck to have three interceptions to go along with three touchdown passes in the absence of Shaun Alexander.
Pick: Seahawks

MONDAY
Green Bay Packers (1-2) vs. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)(-10)
8:30 p.m. Lincoln Financial Field
The Eagles are back, baby! They crushed mighty Houston, suffered a temporary setback against the powerhouse Giants, then steamrolled playoff candidate San Francisco. I think if they beat Super Bowl contender Green Bay, the rest of the NFC East teams should just concede the division. That’s how good the Eagles are. Gag me…
Pick: Eagles

Bye weeks: Denver, New York Giants, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay

The Jaguars are better in 2006 than anyone expected...is there any chance the Skins can defend their home turf on Sunday? Come back tomorrow.