NFL Week 8: Cheerio, You Bloody Wankers

It was about time I had a dominant week. I was a 97-yard drive and a 42-yard field goal away from being perfect. Since one of the predictions I got wrong was an Eagles win, I’ll gladly take the 11-2 mark. The record against the spread was good too. Now I can look at the overall records without wincing in pain:
Overall: 62-35 (64%)
Vs. Spread: 52-39-6

I’m looking to make it back-to-back great weeks, but I still wouldn’t recommend using these picks as the sole basis for any real, or imaginary, money wagering. If you do such a thing, I’m going to send Giant Robotic Jason Taylor after you. Seriously, how creepy is that thing? I thought we were trying to bring the NFL to London, not terrorize the British. Unless we’re planning a hostile takeover. I’d be down with that, please keep me up to date.

SUNDAY

Cleveland Browns (3-3)(-2.5) vs. St. Louis Rams (0-7)
1:00 p.m. Edward Jones Dome
I think there is much greater chance that either the Rams or Dolphins go winless than either the Patriots or Colts go undefeated. The Rams have talent, but everyone is hurt. When a team loses Orlando Pace, Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson, among others, there isn’t much that team can do. As bad as the Redskins injury situation is (and it’s starting to get pretty dire), imagine what would happen if the team lost Jason Campbell and Clinton Portis. The likelihood of a 0-10 finish to the season would be strong. Now as I go find some wood to knock on, look out for the Browns. They are about to be over .500 entering November.
Pick: Browns

Detroit Lions (4-2) vs. Chicago Bears (3-4)(-4)
1:00 p.m. Soldier Field
Jon Kitna continues to guarantee 10 wins for the Lions this season. I’ve taken a look at the 10 remaining Lions games, and I’m guaranteeing you that Kitna is going to look like an idiot.
Pick: Bears

Indianapolis Colts (6-0)(-7) vs. Carolina Panthers (4-2)
1:00 p.m. Bank of America Stadium
What was more impressive: the Colts thrashing of a very good Jacksonville team on the road or the Patriots beat down of a winless Miami team? The answer may seem obvious, but not if you are employed by ESPN. More on that in my Redskins preview later this week.
Pick: Colts

New York Giants (5-2)(-10) vs. Miami Dolphins (0-7)
1:00 p.m. Wembley Stadium in London, England
Blimey! This match is anything but the dog’s bollocks. The American footballers must be daft if they think they can pass this contest as entertaining. Bunch of Yanks in odd kits faffing around on a pitch? Bloody grotty if you ask me. We do like this poofy Michael Strahan fellow. His laughing gear reminds of one’s own. Next time you Yanks try to one-off us, at least give us some punters who arn’t cocked-up and worth less than a pound and pence and one’s cack in the loo.
Pick: Giants, Dolphins cover

Oakland Raiders (2-4) vs. Tennessee Titans (4-2)(-7)
1:00 p.m. LP Field
It’s a shame the Raiders are no longer in first place in the AFC West. I had a lot of good material for that. On the bright side, it appears that the Raiders are finally on the up and up and may become a respectable football team again. Maybe even as early as next season. Tennessee, meanwhile, gets several players back from injury this week, including Vince Young, and should get a win if they don’t overlook Oakland.
Pick: Titans

Philadelphia Eagles (2-4)(-1) vs. Minnesota Vikings (2-4)
1:00 p.m. H.H.H. Metrodome
I saw a lot media bashing towards Tarvaris Jackson this week. The question is, what took so long? No one was paying attention to the Vikings until Adrian Peterson went off against Chicago. Then everyone watched their game against Dallas. The media brainwashed you into thinking that Peterson was the best running back in the league not named LaDainian Tomlinson. So when Peterson didn’t play a starring role in the Vikings loss, and the hype turned out to be a little premature about Peterson, naturally the sports media turned their frustration on Jackson. Seems fair. Did they just discover that Jackson was starting for Minnesota? He wasn’t good last season, and he looks terrible this year. He may be the worst starter in the league.
Pick: Eagles

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)(-3.5) vs. Cincinnati Bengals (2-4)
1:00 p.m. Paul Brown Stadium
Boy, did this game look like it was going to be important at the beginning of the season. Instead, the Steelers are trying to recover from an unfathomable loss to a Denver team that was about to have their season bottom out on them. The Bengals have struggled all year. Even though they beat the Jets last week, they still gave up 31 points to one of the NFL’s worst offenses. If the spread was bigger, I’d like the Bengals to cover. However, I can’t see the Bengals stopping Pittsburgh enough to get a win or beat the spread.
Pick: Steelers

Buffalo Bills (2-4) vs. New York Jets (1-6)(-3)
4:05 p.m. Giants Stadium
Speaking of the Jets, the media continues to be shocked – SHOCKED – that they are failing miserably. As I said last season, and at the beginning of this one, the Jets were extremely fortunate and played one of the easiest schedules in NFL history to win 10 games last year. I told you it wouldn’t happen again. Score one for me (two if you count how screwed the Ravens are).
Pick: Bills

Houston Texans (3-4) vs. San Diego Chargers (3-3)(PK)
4:05 p.m. ???
The Chargers should be thankful they aren’t playing the Giants. Otherwise the game would have been moved to East Rutherford last Monday.
Pick: Chargers

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3)(-3.5)
4:05 p.m. Raymond James Stadium
As much as I like Jacksonville, and as much as I think they can be competitive in the AFC, I still think Jack Del Rio holds this team back. When David Garrard went out in the early 2nd quarter, and the Colts were only leading by a touchdown, it was the perfect time to use Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. You could make a great argument for that combination being the best one-two running back duo in the league. So what does Del Rio do? He lets Quinn Gray throw two straight passes and the second one was picked. The Colts scored after the interception and the game was never close after that. Del Rio is a good coordinator, but a poor head coach.
Pick: Jaguars

New Orleans Saints (2-4)(-3) vs. San Francisco 49ers (2-4)
4:15 p.m. Monster Park
Another shocker for the media. The 49ers, if you can believe it, are terrible. I know, I’m as stunned as you. I mean, why wouldn’t a team that hasn’t come close to a winning season in four years suddenly turn it around and make the playoffs? Man, this NFL is crazy.
Pick: Saints

MONDAY

Green Bay Packers (5-1) vs. Denver Broncos (3-3)(-4)
8:05 p.m. Invesco Field at Mile High
With back-to-back games in Denver and Kansas City, I’d like to think the Packers will come back down to Earth a bit. I’m just not overconfident in Jay Cutler’s ability to be consistent from week to week.
Pick: Broncos, Packers cover

Bye Week: Arizona, Atlanta, Baltimore, Dallas, Kansas City, Seattle

Later this week, the Redskins prepare for their game with the greatest team to ever step foot on a field of any type in the history of mankind. Oh no wait, I mean the 2nd best team in the NFL this season. Just a small difference.