NFL Week 1: Brotherly Love

This is where I earn my money. Time for the weekly NFL picks. Last season, including the playoffs, I went 171-83 straight up and 142-98-7 against the spread. The 171-83 record (67.3%) was better than so-called experts Chris Mortensen, Mark Schlereth, Peter King and Mike Golic. It was 18 games better than Shithead Pete Prisco and an embarrassing 42 games better than ESPN’s Sports Guy (How is this guy still employed by the New York-Bostonwide Leader in Sports? How do you finish under .500? It’s not that difficult). Anyway, let’s throw the old record out and start anew in 2006. The first few weeks are always the toughest, so bare with me until the teams settle down. As I did last year, I will not be picking Redskins games. I’d just end up picking the Skins every week and it would ruin my record. Later in the week I’ll have an individual Redskins game preview if you’re interested. If not, and your team of choice is profiled below, then enjoy. And as always, despite the rather robust 2005 record, these picks should not be used for gambling purposes of any kind.

THURSDAY
Miami Dolphins vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (-1)
8:30 p.m. Heinz Field
Charlie Batch is going to start and the Steelers are favored? I do well enough on my own making these picks, I don’t need charity from Vegas.
Pick: Dolphins

SUNDAY
Denver Broncos (-3.5) vs. St. Louis Rams
1:00 p.m. Edward Jones Dome
As I said two days ago, it’s going to be an interesting fall from grace for Denver. It is only a matter of time before the Jake Plummer/Jay Cutler quarterback controversy arrives. And who knows what running back we’ll see for the Broncos. However, if you don’t think Plummer and company can carve up a terrible Rams defense, think again.
Pick: Broncos

New York Jets vs. Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
1:00 p.m. Adelphia Coliseum
Amazingly, two teams that will finish well below .500 will both get a chance to start 1-0, and because of their schedules, maybe even 2-0. Like the Broncos, no one has any clue who will be in Tennessee’s backfield. To make matters even more confusing, who knows who will be under center for the Titans. We could see Kerry Collins, Billy Volek or Vince Young. We know Chad Pennington will be starting for the Jets, and for that reason, the pick here is easy.
Pick: Titans

Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots (-9)
1:00 p.m. Gillette Stadium
Last year it was 19 home games for the Giants. This year it’s an incredibly easy “first place” schedule for the Patriots. Sigh. Maybe the rest of the NFL should consider moving to Bristol so they can benefit from ESPN’s influence.
Pick: Patriots

Baltimore Ravens vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)
1:00 p.m. Raymond James Stadium
The NFC’s most compelling team starts play with an interesting test at home. The Bucs really have me perplexed. I have them going 9-7, but that could just as easily be 11-5 or 5-11. In Baltimore, plans are again underway for their Super Bowl parade down Russell Street. Resident Genius Brian Billick is still in town, but instead of Kyle Boller, this year it’s Steve McNair playing the roll of “quarterback of the future”. No one has had the heart to disappoint Ravens fans by telling them that McNair is already 34.
Pick: Buccaneers

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Kansas City Chiefs (-2)
1:00 p.m. Arrowhead Stadium
OFFENSE, OFFENSE, OFFENSE!!! As I write this, Carson Palmer is already finding Chad Johnson in the corner and Larry Johnson already has 125 yards and a couple of TD’s. First one to 40 wins!
Pick: Bengals

Seattle Seahawks (-6) vs. Detroit Lions
1:00 p.m. Ford Field
I was really hoping that Vegas would do something stupid and favor Detroit. Not to be. With Shaun Alexander going against the Lions front seven, I could be his left guard, the line could be 16, and I’d still advise you to take the Hawks and the points.
Pick: Seahawks

*The Predictor Game of the Week*
Atlanta Falcons vs. Carolina Panthers (-6)
1:00 p.m. Bank of America Stadium
Very tough game to start the season for both of these teams. Atlanta was embarrassed 44-11 in the finale last year by the Panthers, and they need to show that they’ve made up most of that 33-point difference. The Panthers need to defend their home turf in their first conference game of the year. The running game for the Panthers, and the inability to stop the running game by Atlanta is the difference late in this game.
Pick: Panthers, Falcons cover

Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5) vs. Houston Texans
1:00 p.m. Reliant Stadium
The Texans should have no chance in this game. So why not make it the weekly upset special?
Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints vs. Cleveland Browns (-2.5)
1:00 p.m. Cleveland Browns Stadium
This is a great way for Cleveland and Charlie Frye to ease their way into the season. Cleveland is my darkhorse team for 2007, but they’ll take their lumps this season. While the focus, and pressure, will be on Brees and Bush, Frye and Reuben Droughns should get ample opportunity to beat up the awful Saints defense.
Pick: Browns

Dallas Cowboys vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (-2)
4:15 p.m. Alltel Stadium
You remember how fun it was to watch the Eagles implode last year? Multiply that by 100 and that’s how enjoyable it’s going to be watching Dallas’ inevitable collapse. It starts here, as Jacksonville’s defense will probably get to Drew Bledsoe at least six times in this game.
Pick: Jaguars

Chicago Bears (-3.5) vs. Green Bay Packers
4:15 p.m. Lambeau Field
I initially thought that both teams would be upset that their biggest rivalry game would come in week one. I wouldn’t want the Skins playing Dallas in week one. But the Bears should be happy. They get to play in Lambeau while the tundra is anything but frozen, and then don’t have to face the Packers again until the last week of the season. The line of 3.5 troubles me because I have to assume the Bears can score more than three points in order to win…and I’m not so sure they can.
Pick: Bears

San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals (-7.5)
4:15 p.m. Cardinals Stadium
If the Cardinals want to be taken seriously, how about proving themselves right here. They open their new stadium in front of a rare sold-out crowd against a terrible division opponent. Not only should the Cards win, they should run San Francisco into the ground.
Pick: Cardinals

Indianapolis Colts (-3) vs. New York Giants
8:15 p.m. Giants Stadium
Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning, Manning
Pick: Manning ver. 1.0

MONDAY
San Diego Chargers (-3) vs. Oakland Raiders
10:15 p.m. McAfee Stadium
Am I really going to pick the Chargers and Phillip Rivers? It doesn’t feel right, but the alternative is Aaron Brooks and the East Bay inmates. Ugh, the side-armer starts 1-0.
Pick: Chargers

Sometime this weekend, I get you ready for the Redskins 2006 season as they welcome back some old faces and the Minnesota Vikings.